It began with a lump in my butt…underneath the skin…I can assure you there is nothing unsightly on me. I assumed it was merely rogue cellulite, but when my friends felt it (yes, this is what we do in our spare time-diagnose skin disorders) they were horrified and persuaded me to go to Health Services. So I went…the doctor there was similarly disturbed and sent me off to a real surgeon to inspect it.
It was not a lipoma…the medical term for fat gone awry…don’t look it up on Wikipedia, there’s a gross image…but a giant cyst which would apparently keep growing larger and he said it would likely explode during the course of my lifetime, due to the size and the fact that I do things such as sit on my ass…therefore it had to be removed…or else my butt would probably swell up to the size of Kim Kardashian’s or something. I’m sorry, that was a mean thing to say (but I said it anyway, yes, I know…but it’s to make a point, you’ll see), that poor woman must be so frustrated…I have a big butt too and I don’t even know what to think anymore when people make a big deal about it…it’s ok if someone genuinely likes curves and wants to compliment me in a non-vulgar manner, but what is the point of simply stating that I have a large ass? Do you expect me to go out and get a new body? Meanwhile…
I had it done last Tuesday…the worst part was the wait actually…I didn’t have breakfast in my rush to get there and I was supposed to go in at one but they called me in at two at which point I was ready to cry…so they gave me crackers and apple juice. Then the procedure was done…it was more awkward than painful…it wasn’t embarrassing either despite the fact that they were male doctors (Sanjay was cute) and I was essentially exposed…some things just register so high on the embarassment scale that you just have to lose all shame. The nurses kept using phrases like, “hoo-ha” and “na-na” though in regards to making sure I didn’t get dirty in that, um, area. I do hope their medical texts weren’t labeled as such. Then of course when I got off the operating table, pantless, I had to turn around the wrong way and I may have flashed poor Sanjay. My only consolation is, that as a doctor he’s probably seen those things (and for his sake, in his daily life, unless he was gay).
Afterwards, Glen, the man in charge of the recovery room who just LOVED my dress when I got changed back into my street clothes, brought me a basket with graham crackers and more apple juice. Yum. I didn’t get any post-op instructions though which kind of sucks…I left messages with my surgeon Wednesday and Thursday and they called me to come in on Friday but I had a hair appointment (I’m going in this Thursday instead). It’s all right to make poor decisions if you are aware they are poor. Well not always, but in this case it was ok, I don’t think I’m going to die of ass complications. But yeah, my bandages are itchy…I’m not in any pain though except intially when I sit down and sometimes when I bend over/lift my leg up.
I had great Thai food though for lunch on Tuesday after my procedure…I had beef satay at Regional Thai on 7th and 21st (I think….21st or 22nd, around there)…that’s the place where the waiter once went across the street to get ice cream for me when I wanted it…he got a big tip.