When I was in 10th grade we had to write our own poetry and collect it in a little book. Thankfully I saved mine. Many of these poems are rather silly (I was 15 or 16 when I wrote these), but I think they’re kind of cute.

Inspired by Edgar Allan Poe.

Kicking your lover down the stairs

Oh, how releasing the rage felt so good

The perfect revenge for all her affairs

But now your carpet is stained with her blood

Getting soap you scrub and scrub

There, that looks so much better

You decide to go down and get a drink from the pub

And being a hypocrite you mail your mistress a letter

On the floor of the pub there’s a big red stain

Ha! Some drunken fool must have spilled his wine

But it’s not wine, it’s blood, like the blood on the carpet where your lady lay slain

You run out of the pub, suddenly you don’t feel so fine

Walking down the street it begins to pour

You think, “Oh crap, the last thing I need after all this is to ruin my coat.”

So you walk inside through beckoning door

And a man inside begins to gloat

“I can see your future! I know the fate that will befall you!”

“How could you?” you reply, “I’m a skeptic.

I’m going to ignore your prophesies of my impending doom.”

“Well suit yourself,” he said, “I won’t tell you about your life ever so pathetic.”

You stumble back outside. Was that a hallucination?

Then you see it again, you’d almost forgot

About the object of your fixation

The blood, the blood! It was just a coincidence you’d thought

How it was everywhere you went

Was that man right? Will your life now come to an end?

You need to save yourself and repent

Before mentally you go around the bend

But it’s too late, you’re already drowning

In the blood of your murdered lover

It boils, you are burning, your arms are flailing

You melt and bubble down to your blubber

All the sudden you wake up in your bed

It was all just a dream

The lady you kicked down the stairs is sleeping next to your head

So then why is your flesh melting like buttery cream?

Teenage angst.

I may have had love for you

Had I not been spurned

I thought you had gorgeous eyes of baby blue

Until my heart you burned

I think you are quite a jerk

For not being in love with me

Before I may have loved your every quirk

But now I just hope you drift out to sea

Don’t read if you’re a member of the GOP (inspired by George W. Bush).

Prancing on my tippy-toes in my cowboy hat

Swimming with my duckie in my oil wells

Oh, those have made me such a fat cat

Those money lacking non-Republicans can burn in Hell

I am a righteous, moral man

I love all life, no innocent creature should die

But those skanks locked up in the can?

Screw them, let them fry

My Christian God says to love all people

Which being pious I must do

But only those who pray in a church with a steeple

All the rest, I bid them adieu

Gay people will mark the end of society

Who cares about terrorism, drugs and war

Our children will become immoral whores if gays achieve notoriety

Anything that doesn’t pass Jerry Falwell must go out the door

I love my life, my horn I’m always tootin’

You can have this too if you share in my beliefs

I don’t see why it’s not my place to criticize Putin

I’m an American, I am everyone’s commander-in-chief

I guess I wasn’t having too much fun compiling this book.

I feel so forced

Like you’re making me write

Feelings I don’t have

Poetry only works when

It’s inspired

Which I hardly was

But I think I made it work

Because

I’m good at faking these things

Are you?